I’ve got nothing in the way of titles. Titles are the hardest thing for me. Even when I would do my reviews coming up with a snappy one liner for the title was always what threw me for a loop. I’m not good at being concise or drawing people into my writing, I guess! Anyway. It’s been a while since I’ve checked in. I knew that the daily thing wouldn’t last. There really isn’t an excuse for it, just me having every intention to update, but realizing that no one really cares what happens, anyway! Am I right?
Three weeks ago I turned 31. I don’t feel 31. Hell, if we’re being honest, I don’t feel a damn day over 25. Which I guess is a really good thing. It was also the first year that I didn’t find myself freaking the fuck out over my birthday. Birthdays for me have always been about where I “should” be. What I “should” be doing. What I “should have” already accomplished. Where I “wanted” to be. I always focused on another year past, another year wasted, and never sat and thought about everything that I HAVE accomplished, just that my “plan” didn’t go the way that I wanted it to.
Then enter 2013 (which I decided on December 31st was going to be MY YEAR, DAMN IT), when I realized that I have a shit ton to be thankful for. I’m a strong woman. I’m successful. I have tried many, MANY things that I’d never thought I’d try in my lifetime. I’m self sufficient. I can take care of myself, and I’m strong enough to overcome my flaws. Not only am I strong enough, I’m proud enough of the fight that I have in me that I can finally say that I’m “in recovery” and not automatically think that I sound like a failure.
An addiction is an addiction. Just because mine didn’t involve substance abuse or anything that would physically hurt me, my addiction to spending money, lying, and everything that came along with it, would have slowly eaten away at all of my relationships if I hadn’t done something about it… and really meant it this time. No more of the half assed “I’ll try”, because no. You won’t try. Instead of telling myself I would “try” recovery, I decided that it was time to do it and realize that this is going to be a lifetime thing that I deal with. And you know what? Once I got that through my head, I was totally fine with it.
Hell, I’m fucking proud of myself for being able to speak about my issues and not letting them take me over. Have I been perfect in this recovery? Hell no. Do I expect to be perfect in the future? Absolutely not. But instead of hiding the issues, I now try to go at them head on and with all the honesty that I can muster.
So, 2013 has been a good year for me. I realized that I am extremely blessed (I hate that cliche phrase, but there really is no other way to describe everything that I have), and that I’m even stronger than I thought. It’s funny, but being knocked down several pegs is actually what showed me how strong and self sufficient that I actually am. I still struggle with control, and letting things that don’t work according to plan bother me, but that’s the next thing that I’m tackling. Letting go. I have a feeling kicking my lying and spending addiction will be easier than that, but we’ll see!